3 Tips for Helping Kids Navigate Big Feelings

“It was our first week back at kids club after the 2020 lockdown. I announced we’d be moving afternoon tea to later in the afternoon. On hearing this, Ben* burst into tears, and was completely inconsolable. His older brother turned to me and said “he gets sad because everything is changing”

This season of life has been a rollercoaster. Change is happening at a rate that has left a lot of us with emotional whiplash. This year has brought a lot of  unprecedented changes, and the feelings I have are quite different. I’m not feeling the same rush of adrenalin as I did last year, or the sense of novelty at hoping to make the most out of lockdown. Instead I’m feeling weary and a bit lost.

 As I’ve spoken with families from my church over the past few weeks, kids have been sad to not have sleepovers with their friends, soccer practice,  holiday kids club and are bored of online learning (one precious 5 year old who told ‘Corona’ to be quiet because it was starting to get scary.) While some of this change has been welcomed, and for some, even exciting and refreshing to spend more unstructured time at home with family, there’s been lots of heaviness and weariness as well. It’s been a rollercoaster. 

 A Hollow Promise

I find it so easy to comfort kids by promising that things will get better soon. But if the past few weeks are anything to go by, we can see why that’s a hollow promise. COVID related frustrations and sadness were beginning to feel like distant memories. But then, in Sydney, we’re back to strict lockdown rules and iso life.

 One of my favourite things about the Bible is that it’s so real about what life is like. It makes no promises of when, or even if, things will get better in this life. But in the midst of the frustration and sadness, it’s full of reminders that God is always with His people. Returning to lockdown has been a stark reminder that this broken world will continue to be broken until Jesus returns.

 So, it's important, when talking with children, to not try ‘spin’ the situation. Kids can see, feel and experience that the world isn’t as it should be. So, if we offer them the hollow promise that things will get better soon, they might come away thinking they simply can’t trust you with their feelings. And that you don’t really understand their world like they thought. How frustrating is it to be told to ‘just stop worrying’ about something? It’s okay for them to sit in those feelings of frustration and sadness, and you can teach and model to them what they can do in the midst of those big feelings.

 And so, how do we do that? Last year, our kids club leaders used the acronym C.A.P. to help a kid work through big feelings.

 (Help Them) Calm Down

If a kid is hyperventilating, or bawling their eyes out, or screaming, you won’t be able to help them until they’re calm. Sometimes, that means riding out the big feeling with them. I sometimes say:

 “I can see you’re feeling overwhelmed right now. That’s okay. I need to go check on some other kids, but I’ll come check on you in two minutes, okay?”

 With small leader to kid ratios, it can be hard to give them the attention they might need at this point. But sometimes, you’ll have a great opportunity to train them in how to calm themselves,

-        take some deep breaths together

-        ask them how many green things they can see or what sounds they can hear, or what they can feel under their feet.

-        help them break the emotional cycle they’re caught in.

Affirm Their Feelings

It’s easy to say “get over it”, or to try distracting them with something else - which can sometimes be appropriate. But not always. We want to train kids to recognise their emotions and be able to work through them, rather than teach them to ignore or suppress their feelings. Give kids permission and space to tell you about their worries and feelings.

 I find it really helpful to name the feeling and check, for example:

 “It seems to me like you’re feeling sad because you were really hoping for the salt and vinegar packet of chips, but they were all gone. Is that right? Oh, I’m sorry. It’s sad to not get the things we want, and I know how much you love salt and vinegar.”

 There doesn’t need to be a solution or a lesson here, just an affirmation.

 (As an aside, Kate Haggar wrote a great article about how to do this. You can read it here: https://youthworks.net/articles/helping-children-understand-grief-and-change .)

(Teach Them To) Pray

Now is a time, more than ever before, where you can teach kids that the best thing they can do is to pray to God. Remind them that they can tell God everything they’re worried about, and know that He cares and listens.

 Youthworks has a great series of prayer cards called ‘KidsPray’ that help kids to remember who God is and what He’s like. In the midst of a season of change, anxiety and overwhelm - what better thing to do than help kids remember their trustworthy, sovereign, powerful King. Wouldn’t it be great if every kid in your church knew that the best thing they could do when they feel worried or overwhelmed or stoked is to pray. So ask them,

 “Can I pray for that? I know God really wants to hear about all the things we’re worried about.”

And then pray with them!

 Sometimes, asking them if there’s anything special you can pray for  can also help them begin to reshape their thinking and feeling about their emotion. Sometimes it’s just an opportunity for them to bring their worries before a big God who cares. As you pray, this can be a great time to reflect on God’s character and point them to His goodness. What a powerful prayer to say something like,

 “God, we are worried about COVID and lockdown going on forever. Thank you that you care about all the things that make us worried. The best news is that you are always in control, and nothing ever takes you by surprise. Amen.”

 In an effort to make this a part of our culture, our Sunday Kids church runs a segment each week where kids tell their discussion group leaders what’s made them ‘sad, mad or glad’ that week (including over Zoom in lockdown) and then the leaders spend time praying for all of those things. Kids get to share what’s happening in their world, and leaders always tell me what a highlight it is to hear from their kids. There are emoji’s stuck up on the wall with a sad, mad and glad face and when kids are feeling big feelings, leaders can ask kids to point to the one that represents how they’re feeling at that moment.

 A Bonus Tip:

Tell Them A Story

Kids learn a lot from stories! As they observe characters in situations they can relate to and see how the characters overcome those problems, kids learn key problem-solving skills.

 If they are often worried, remind them of stories from the bible about a time when someone had to trust God, even when things were scary. The bible is full of stories of people who have faced up against something that seems impossible to overcome, but trusted in a big God who comes through on his promises. And God often fulfils his promises in unexpected ways - I think of the story of Daniel; where things don’t necessarily get better - God doesn’t rescue his people from exile straight away - but instead Daniel learns to trust God in the midst of a hard time.

 Whether it’s in person or over Zoom, how can you help the young people in your life respond well to their big feelings?